What's up, Mar-freakials?
Today we're talking about the rites of passage.
See, most people in those moments run scared.
But not me.
First kiss.
Most people are all timid and kiss like,
[smacks lips]
I was busting slobs like, "Come here..."
[moans]
But the biggest rite of passage is...
Bam! License to drive.
See, most people were nervous. Not me.
I did donuts outside of Dunkin Donuts
in front of a cop that was eating donuts.
'Cause I'm fearless. [chomps]
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
♪ Marlon, Marlon
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
all: Marlon!
[sighs] How does this happen?
Why does God let bad things happen to good people?
Yvette.
There are worse things than having a low passenger rating
on Uber.
That's easy for you to say.
You're a seven with a 4.8.
And I'm a ten with a 2.2.
Well, this seven is starting to give 0.0 damns.
[panting]
Hi, Ash.
Hi, Geico lizard.
Marlon, why are you running like Maury just said,
"You are the father"?
He hopped the fence and sprinted through the backyard
because the neighbors were playing with their dog outside.
He's a killer. I know it.
His name is Twinkie.
So? Back in the projects
some dogs had nice names too, like Tiny, and Princess,
and Lamb Chop, but they were vicious.
And some of them was on crack.
You ever been chased up a chain-link fence
by a Cracker Spaniel?
Stevie, what's your passenger rating on Uber?
[chuckles] I'm proud to say
I have an unblemished 5.0.
Will somebody please tell me what's wrong with me?
Oh, too many options.
Oh, damn, I got insult brain freeze.
No, but seriously.
Who wouldn't wanna pick me up?
Oh, my God, woman.
Are you trying to kill me or what?
Anyway, I have to take Marley and her friend Kristie
to the Art Walk downtown.
I need you to take Zack to his sleepover.
No can do.
Ah, see, me and Stevie,
we're going to a one-night showing
of the classic "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo."
Ha-ha!
Heh-hey. Ah-ooh.
The 23rd best breakdancing movie of all time.
[chuckles] We just came to get some snacks.
And why are you driving Marley anywhere?
She is 16 years old.
She should have her license by now.
Well, she has her permit, but she's just not interested
in getting behind the wheel yet.
Oh, my God, girl, she's 16.
What, you gonna be sexting for her next?
What the hell?
You know, Marley's not alone.
Her generation feels less urgency to drive.
They don't crave independence the way we did.
Says the negro on my couch.
Man, I couldn't wait to drive.
The day I turned 16,
I grabbed my uncle's tricked-out school bus,
I went down to the DMV, I got my license,
and that meant that me and 37 of my homeboys
could go anywhere we wanted.
I'll never forget the first time I drove.
I sat on Nana's lap and steered her big old Buick
through the empty A&P parking lot.
You told me you learned to drive
when you was 19 years old.
Yeah, I was.
Okay?
Well, Marley will come around to driving in her own time.
Come on, Ashley.
She should have her license by now.
She should be driving herself to school.
She should be dropping her brother off at sleepovers.
She should be picking her daddy up from clubs
when he's too drunk to drive home.
Marley, it's time you get your license.
Tomorrow, in the car with Daddy,
lessons begin.
Why do I need to drive? I have Mommy and Uber.
Yeah, Marlon, I don't mind driving her around.
Why don't we get you a little black hat and a slave accent
and you two can play Driving Miss Marley?
All right, forget it, Marley.
Clearly, your dad is not gonna let this go.
Nope.
Tomorrow I'm gonna make you a road warrior.
But for now, me and Stevie got a date
with Turbo, Kelly, and Ozone.
Let's get it, boy. Bang, bang.
Oh, oh, oh.
'Ey, pull the car around back,
kiss it up against the garage,
I'ma jump right in, okay?
Not today, Twinkie.
- [car dings] - What is that noise?
[mimics dinging]
Put your seatbelt on.
Oh, yeah.
All right, baby girl, now what's the first thing
you do when you get in a car?
Check if there's enough gas.
Eh! No.
First thing you do when you get in a car
is I want you to get your lean on.
Lean all the way back. Yeah, now I'm feeling myself.
Yeah.
- Marlon. - Huh?
Please don't teach my baby all your nonsense.
Who told you to come along on our driving lesson anyway?
I'm not letting her learn to drive from somebody
who was taught in a school bus in Manhattan
by their drunk uncle.
He wasn't drunk. He was high.
Daddy, your hand should be at ten and two.
Baby girl, no, your hands should not be at ten and two.
Look at that. Ten and two is not swaggy.
I like to fast-forward my hands to, like, high noon.
Yeah, this way you got one hand free,
and you could chuck a handful of pennies
at somebody that's trying to cut you off.
Like, [groans].
- Marlon. - What?
Girl, nothing feels better than shotgunning $1.62
at somebody that try to sideswipe you.
Uh, pa-ra-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!
Ha-ha.
And, you get to help the homeless at the same time.
Another lesson.
Learning when to use the horn is important.
You don't just honk for no reason.
Sometimes you honk because you wanna let somebody over.
[honks twice]
Then they honk back. You know, oh,
he give me a nice t... tip of the hat.
And then sometimes, there's somebody you're ignoring
trying to cut you off, and you're like, I see you.
I see you... no, no. [honks]
[honks] Uh-uh.
You want some attitude. Just warn 'em.
And then sometimes, some idiot actually try to cut you off,
and that's when you gotta curse 'em out with your horn.
Ah, no, you didn't. [honking]
Jackass!
[honks twice] You hear that?
It curses for you.
[honks twice]
[honks three times]
Yeah?
Uh-oh.
Daddy, you just made an illegal left.
You can't cross a double yellow line.
Listen, remember, it's only illegal if you get caught.
All right, you ready to rock this, baby girl?
I think I've learned enough for today.
Yes, Marlon, how about you drop us off
and Marley and I will go get mani-pedis.
Mani-pedis? We just got here.
I gotta teach Marley the rules of the road.
Well, I know one rule is that you have to stay at least
three car lengths behind the car in front of you.
Tsk. Girl, that's for people who don't have auto-brakes.
[tires screech] Oh!
See?
Technology got you covered.
[upbeat music]
Okay. Stevie, I have to get my score up.
Now, just pay attention and tell me
if I'm doing anything wrong.
I'm just glad that you asked me to help.
It's so nice to be able to spend time...
Hey, driver, couple of things.
Now, I know y'all like to follow your Waze,
but I'ma take you my ways.
Also, set your A/C at 72 degrees and crack the window.
Y'all breath is making it humid in here.
Ooh, last thing. Pass me that plug.
I wanna listen to my podcast.
"Real Housewives of Atlanta:
Top One Hundred Screaming Matches."
Thank you, baby. [giggles]
You may drive.
See? I'm easy like Sunday morning.
Bitch! You tried it!
[laughter]
Hey, there she is.
Ah, so you got your license.
Actually, we didn't get to the driving part of the exam.
Both: [giggle]
Wait, you... you... you flunked?
Uh-huh. [giggling]
So why y'all giggling like two smurfs
that just escaped Gargamel's house?
Well, we didn't wanna stay in a negative space,
so we went shopping and stopped at fro-yo.
Oh, hell nah. Fro-yo is for winners.
Sbarro's pizza is for losers, okay?
It's okay, Daddy. I mean, I tried,
but I guess driving's just not my thing.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Since when does a straight-A student
fail a written exam?
Ashley, now, I wanna say that this is racially biased,
but, see, that girl is damn near White.
I mean, you're her only black friend.
And that's kind of questionable.
Looks like she just made a few simple mistakes,
like saying it's okay to cross a double yellow line.
She deliberately failed the test.
Marlon, we don't know for sure that she threw the test.
Maybe she got nervous.
Ashley, nerds don't get nervous during tests.
That's what makes them nerds.
Look, there's only one way to get to the bottom of this.
- Not... - both: The Guilt Triple.
All I need to do is ask her the same questions three times.
She's gonna crack.
Works every time.
Sometimes.
Usually.
Marley.
We need to talk to you.
Sweetheart, we know you knew the answers
to the questions on that test.
Oh, I guess I just forgot.
[mock chuckling] She forgot.
She forgot. [chuckles]
So you didn't throw that test?
No.
You didn't throw that test?
[snickers] I said no.
[clicks tongue]
You didn't throw that test?
Okay, fine, I threw the test.
Boom! Guilt Triple!
Sweetheart, why?
I guess I'm just scared to drive.
And throwing the test was my only way out of it.
Oh, well, honey, that's okay.
If you're not ready to drive, you don't have to.
Hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh, hol' uh,
hol' uh, hol' uh.
Huh...
Hold up.
This is a teachable moment here, okay?
Listen, Marley, when things scare you,
you gotta push through.
When I see something that scares me,
I walk up to it, I look it in its face,
I give it that cold, crushing, mean grill,
and then I bust its ass.
Oh, so you're good with big dogs now?
Well, that's different. Big dogs will kill you.
And cars can't?
I don't wanna drive, Daddy. I'm sorry.
You're gonna run up the stairs?
That... that's a white girl move right there.
And why are you gonna put me on blast like that?
Because you were being a hypocrite, Marlon.
Nah. That never bothered you before.
Something's up.
And you passed up a teachable moment?
Which, by the way, is a phrase you taught me.
There's some other reason why you acting like this.
No, there isn't.
There's no other reason?
Okay, fine, I like driving her around.
Boom!
Guilt Triple.
Marlon, when she was a baby, I breastfed her.
And that ended.
And then I bathed her, and I combed her hair,
and that's all over.
This time in the car is the only time I have left
before she goes off to college.
You're just afraid you're gonna lose
your little roll dawg.
It's funny to hear about fear
from a man who watched most of "Air Bud" with his eyes closed.
Ooh, you petty.
But you know what? You're right.
I have to prove to you both
that you can push through fear.
And how are you gonna do that?
By overcoming my own.
And for the record,
a Golden Retriever with an 8-foot vertical
is scary as hell.
[upbeat music]
Remember, Yvette,
do nothing, say nothing...
be nothing. Observe.
Dear Lord, what is that smell?
I apologize for the smell.
Someone "shomited" in here last night.
Yeah, both ends, if you know what I'm talking about.
They broke my only rule.
Do not throw up in my Toyota Camry.
I was forced to give 'em zero stars.
[gags]
Oh, my God.
This is happening.
We're going live in five.
[retches]
[coughs]
You'll remain calm. You'll do nothing.
You'll find inner peace.
Okay.
Wow. [chuckles]
This is working.
Good looking out, Stevie.
[retches]
[whimpers]
[gags]
[retching]
All right, family.
What does Daddy say about dogs?
They try to play you for a sucka, but you ain't the one.
Yeah, you're damn right, and I don't trust 'em.
And we're here because?
Because I brought your little ass here, okay?
Because your father wants to show everyone
- that he can pet a dog. - That's right.
Not just a dog.
I'm going to pet the biggest dog they got.
'Cause I'm gonna show you, you, and you, Petty Pendergrass,
that I can push through my fears.
Okay?
I'ma walk up to the dog.
I'm a mean mug him, like, [growls].
I'ma growl in his face. [growls]
And I'ma... [growls]... cold pet his ass.
And there ain't nothing he can do, except... he gonna be my...
[shrieking]
Oh, God. That's an... that's a damn bear.
All right, that's what I thought.
Kids, who wants to go to Red Robin?
- All: Me! - Oh, I love the cheese fries.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Now, I... I can do this.
Okay? Conquering a fear.
I'ma go incognegro.
Shh.
He won't notice me like this.
[shrieking]
You seen that? He almost bit my hand off.
You know what? Forget it.
Marley, just drive around with your Mama.
Daddy, he's not gonna hurt you.
I think he's asleep.
Naw, he ain't asleep.
See, that's what he wants you to think.
I'm onto you, brother. I'm on to you.
Marlon.
That dog is a sweetheart, okay?
Excuse me, do you have anything a little more ferocious,
like something that you have to feed with a long stick?
N... no. No.
I want to pet that dog.
- I'm conquering my fears. - Yep.
- Remember, you got this. - We're gonna do this.
- Both: Yeah. - Okay, just say bye to me.
I love you, son. [sobbing]
- Oh, take care of your brother. - Okay.
- I didn't leave him no money. - Oh.
I know he'd spend it all on sneakers and candy.
Hold me.
Oh.
If we could just do it one last time.
- Marlon. - Okay, okay.
- Go pet that dog. - Okay, okay.
[whispering] Just gotta play it cool.
You know, you know, uh, you gotta play it cool.
And all of a sudden you just battle.
[whistling nonchalantly]
[breathing heavily]
Yow! Ha!
I did it. Wait, I did it.
Wait, he got my arm. [sobbing] He got my arm.
No. Dad, it's your sleeve.
Oh, oh, thank God. Okay.
Okay, ah.
Who did that? both: You did that.
- Who did that? both: You did that
Daddy did that. [laughs]
- I'm proud of you, Daddy. - Thank you, baby girl.
Hey, I faced my fear.
- Are you ready to do the same? - I am.
I'ma a take that driving test. [chuckles]
That's my girl.
And hey, if you ever have any doubts,
I want you to remember your Daddy,
and I want you to push through and conquer your fears.
See, I used to be afraid of dogs.
- Yeah. - Now I ain't.
- I ain't afraid of no dogs. - That's right.
I wish a dog was here ri... [shrieks]
Here, take the boy. Take the boy.
[upbeat music]
Come on, Yvette, it's been four days.
I'm not talking to you, Heavin' Steven.
You got me on the "No Ride" list.
Stevie, how could you?
The girl is already on the "No Man" list.
I was on task to complete another
stellar moment of nothingness.
But then I vomited, and that was on me.
And on my shoes.
And a little bit on Yvette.
Hey!
- So did you pass? - I passed.
Yay! Congrats.
But you're all sad.
Did you crash the car on the way back home?
Sweetheart, what's the matter?
[sighs] I don't know.
I mean,
I guess this means I'm a grown-up now.
Next I have to move out, pay bills, be on my own.
That's even scarier than driving.
Yeah, scary to you.
That just made my pockets real happy.
My wallet went, "Hey!"
[laughs]
Honey, can I let you in on a little secret?
I'm scared too.
Really? What're you scared of?
Letting you grow up.
But when I watched you get your license,
and Daddy kind of pet that very docile dog...
[groans]
I realized that once we face our fears,
they're not so bad after all.
Hey.
You guys don't have to worry about this right now.
Girl, you just got your license, huh?
What you gonna do?
You gonna go drag racin'?
What, you gonna ghost ride the whip?
You gonna take the car down to the 'Shaw
and holla at all the boys, like, "Hey."
What? Psh.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna go to the Art Walk with Kristie.
Psh. Girl, you better slow down.
You a wild one. You going to the Art Walk?
Next thing you know you're gonna be at the bookstore.
And then you... you may go real crazy
and be up at the museum.
[mimicking voice] Hello, we up in LACMA.
Like, we're learning stuff.
[chuckles]
- I'm proud of you. - Thanks, Dad.
Thank you.
You were right, Marlon.
I was afraid to let my little roll dawg go.
Gotta let 'em fly.
I know, but you gotta admit, it's kind of hard
letting her grow up.
Tsk. Nah, I'm cool.
So Marley growing up doesn't make you sad?
Tsk, girl, please. Huh.
Marley growing up doesn't make you sad?
Uh, you ain't even doing it right.
Marley growing up doesn't make you sad?
[whimpers]
It hurts so much inside.
Boom.
Guilt Triple. Aw.
Wait. She got your keys or mine?
Girl! Marley!
That's my Range Rover. Ah, hell nah.
Take Mommy's... Mommy... the minivan.
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.